'I like my grudges, I tend to them like little pets' - BigLittleLies

One of my biggest faults is that I hold on to grudges. If someone has offended me, I mean really made my blood boil, I will never ever forget what they said, when they said it, their name, their face - i'm obsessive! Sounds unhealthy right? It is! I drive myself absolutely mad. If I don't confront the person, or defend myself in some way then I have no closure, so the grudge will last a lifetime. 

There are different levels of grudges, if I truly liked the person and they happened to offend me deeply, I will usually get over it because at the end of the day I can't hate people who mean or meant something to me. But if I sense a genuinely nasty side to somebody, then that grudge has a life sentence.

What I am beginning to learn from my inability to forgive and forget is that saying nothing will ALWAYS be the better road to go down. Retaliating always leaves me feeling like a horrible person and more often than not, I end up apologising to the person who hurt me rather than the other way around. 

I'm going to tell you a little story of one particular grudge that has lasted a strong three years but instead of getting involved, I let it be and now finally, karma has played a huge role in giving me that sweet closure. I have never met this person, never even spoke to this person. But because they offended me so deeply, I basically know everything about their life now. So at the beginning of my relationship, this girl, let's call her Maggie  (Maggie the maggot)  was texting my boyfriend regularly. Now boys are stupid and in my partners eyes, this was completely innocent because they had been friends for years. So who was I to come in between them? But oh boy oh boy, I then found out, about 10 months down the line that their history involved having a sexual relationship - fuck buddies for want of a better word. Not while we were seeing each other, because I know they never met up. But this was their history so their friendship instantly became disrespectful. 

I put my foot down, and told my lover boy to choose between me or his 'good friend'. It was extremely upsetting that he was so close to another woman (both emotionally and physically), it had upset me from day one before I knew their history, but I never wanted to be that girl who stopped her boyfriend from having friends - whether that be a guy or girl. For this reason, I was fully prepared to be labelled a paranoid psycho and have our relationship end there and then, but I couldn't carry on feeling so insecure in the relationship all the time because of this old fuck buddy. To my surprise (and relief) he chose me. 

Offering an ultimatum was hard because I loved him and I didn't want it to end but there is absolutely no point in being in a relationship which ruins your confidence and sense of security. 

So the next day he 'broke up' with her via text. I never saw what he put so I guess I will never know what was said but something along the lines of 'Robyn doesn't like us talking so I need to respect her feelings and end our friendship here. Sorry, bla bla'. ANY girl who has slept with a guy multiple times over a number of years who has now been told to back off because he is in a relationship should respect that and back down gracefully. I have even been told that I can't talk to a male friend before because it upset his girlfriend and there was NOTHING between us, our relationship truly was an innocent friendship. But I respected his decision and let it be. But oh no not this girl. Apparently she said enough to my partner to put him off of her as a person entirely. He had always defended her up until this point, calling her a nice person and how I would 'get along with her'. But after her reply, he spat 'she is a NASTY person and I will have NO problem never talking to her ever again.' He rarely gets angry so her words really rattled him. I can only imagine that her reply was as nasty as they come, ripping me apart piece by piece, probably with a bit of racism thrown in there (she only had looks to go by seen as she doesn't know me and in my experience that's the first physical insult thrown in a petty argument). 

She then put an angry tweet:

'Can't believe my friend of 3 years has said he can't speak to me because of his PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND, they won't last more than five minutes'. 

A lot of girls rallied around her with replies like 'she's pathetic hun' 'had that happen to me hun, what a loser, they won't last' etc etc. (Imagine having to hold back from that, MY GOD)

That tweet has haunted me for years because I HATE her. I hate her for saying that, I hate her for not being a girls girl, for not understanding the line of respect. I hate that I never said anything to her, I hate how she made me cry. I hate how she got away with it. 

But recently in light of how serious things have become between me and my partner, I thought about that tweet and laughed. Karma really sorted her out without me intervening at all. Our relationship has not only lasted  more than five minutes as she poorly predicted. We now KNOW we are spending the rest of our lives together. This year we are becoming a FAMILY. Her horrible tweet could not have been further from the truth. He is the love of my life and I am the love of his. Meanwhile, her love life has been very very very poor. Her relationships do not last more than five minutes. What she said about my relationship has acted as a curse for her own love life. 

And that ladies and gentlemen, is Karma. The law of attraction. Whatever you want to call it. I am glad I never said anything to her, I'm glad I took the high road, because it could not have worked out better for me and she managed to screw up her life on her own. So may that be a lesson to anyone who holds grudges! If you can't forgive and forget, don't worry about it but try your best not to get involved because if you're a good person, Karma has your back boo.

Stop Seeking Acceptance From People Who Are Committed to Not Accepting You

Anyone who has ever experienced peer pressure, usually at school, will probably know what it's like to not feel accepted. Unfortunately this feeling can follow you through to adulthood. The problem isn't with you or how you are as a person, it's because you've let yourself be defined by how other people treat you. I personally struggled with feeling accepted throughout school. Girls are the worst, they can decide to not like you for absolutely no reason. I constantly felt bad about myself because I wasn't getting invited to the parties my friends were going to and sometimes even my own friends would leave me out, like I had become an unpopular choice for absolutely no reason. Maintaining friendships through school was hell, absolute hell but it also taught me so much.

There comes a point, after about the 10th party or friend group gathering you're not invited to where you have to think - I don't care. It's emotionally exhausting to constantly fight for a friendship, to constantly act how you think they want you to act - Super friendly even when they've offended you, always starting the conversation first, inviting them out to places with you (which they're often too busy to go to anyway). You have to realise that these people are not your friends if they're making you feel rejected and left out. After years of desperately trying to fit in I thought 'OK, I can either carry on and feel heartbroken every time i'm left out of another gathering or party, or I can stop trying and see things for how they are.'  The moment I stopped trying to fit in, stopped texting them first, stopped inviting them to hang out with me I felt free. There was a point where I felt lonely and friendless, but I met new people who were on my wavelength, who taught me what a friendship should feel like - it shouldn't be hard work!

So when I now encounter people with the same attitude as the mean girls at school, I put on my emotional coats of armour. I'm polite, I'm friendly but I don't force a friendship. My friends are on my wave length, my friends message me first as much as I message them, my friends suggest meeting up instead of me always asking. That's what a healthy friendship is. Unfortunately I still see people trapped in this vicious cycle of needing to be accepted by toxic people. It's so not worth it! You are a lovable person, and you do not deserve to feel rejected. Focus on the people who make you feel good about yourself, who remind you of all your good traits and leave the others behind. Be mature, be friendly, be polite, but keep those toxic 'friends' at arms length. For the sake of your own happiness.

I found the following article very empowering, so if you are struggling with a toxic friendship take a read of this: The Huffington Post

Also check out my YouTube video where I talk about my struggles during school which lasted from about age 13- 18!

Close both eyes, to see with the other one.

I never thought I'd be writing a post like this. Because there was a time when believing in the paranormal got you labelled as a crazy person. People do not like what they can not explain so they joke about it and dismiss the idea. But so many people have experienced the paranormal, so much so that the whole idea is accepted these days. I definitely have witnessed a spiritual shift in the past few years. People are openly talking about visiting mediums like it's as normal as getting your nails done. Meditation is also now incredibly normal and encouraged where as a few years ago, people mocked the idea. 

I have grown up believing in the afterlife and believing in ghosts. Mainly because I was brought up in a spiritualist family. It's not a separate religion, it's just a different version of Christianity I suppose. A lot of mediums class themselves as Spiritualist Christians. I personally describe myself as a little bit Atheist and a little bit Christian but definitely a spiritualist. I believe in a heaven and an afterlife but I do not believe in the stories of Jesus or the bible. I believe that when we die we go to a place of peace, where we get to see our loved ones again. Where only our souls exist. I also believe in re-incarnation as do a lot of spiritualists. They say we experiences multiple lives to learn different lessons and if we fail to learn, we repeat a similar life again. There are actually a lot of documentaries on proof that re-incarnation exists, the whole idea fascinates me and it's something I've explored personally too. But i'm going to save that subject for a separate blog post and video. I just wanted to give you a brief explanation of my beliefs.

So growing up I would randomly see people standing around me for a flicker of a second. Sometimes it would be someone in the hallway, another time it was somebody watching me play with my dog in the garden. I would see them out of the corner of my eye, go to look at them but they wouldn't be there. But what was weird, was that I could describe their appearance and the expression on their face in so much detail. From their hair colour to the items of clothing they were wearing. One particular spirit, the one who was watching me play with my dog, I believe was my great grandfather. He was wearing clothing from the 1940s/50s and when I described his appearance to my mum, she said it sounded like her Grandfather. I never felt scared when I saw these random people. I instinctively knew they weren't evil, more like passers by who were not used to being seen. Later I developed the ability to hear ghosts. I was a teenager by this point. I begun hearing voices which sounded like two or more people having a conversation but I couldn't hear what they were saying, they were quiet and muffled, like i'd tuned into a radio station with a poor signal. But later I went on to hear voices which I mistook to be real (physical) people. Not by choice, none of my experiences were through deliberately trying to connect. 

Usually if you are open to experiencing the paranormal, you often have a very good sense of intuition. I have always had an uncanny way of predicting the future. Sadly in a negative way, I can always sense when something is going to go wrong or if something is already wrong. So many times I've asked people to double check their plans because I've had a feeling that something had changed and I would always turn out to be right. I believe that my intuition is often spiritual, like somebody is telling me what's really going on. I've even caught out liars because I've been told what to say to them to get them to crack. It's absolutely insane, I love it. It feels like I always have somebody looking out for me. I do try to deliberately connect with loved ones, or my spirit guide but I've never been able to get to that level mediums achieve. I just get the odd message or a sign through meditation and dreams. 

I have storytime videos up on my Youtube channel which explains my most surreal paranormal experiences. So take a look and feel free to get in touch. Have you experienced similar things to me? What are your beliefs?

>See my paranormal playlist here<

Feeling Down?

It's impossible to be happy all day everyday. When you look on social media and see how perfect other peoples lives look with captions like 'I love my life' or 'I'm so happy' it's easy to think wow, I wish I loved my life as much as they do theirs. But it's not real! Of course they have down days too!

I'm learning to fake it until I make it in life, and that includes being happy. When I hate how I look or feel fat, I put make up on and clothes which compliment my body. I pretend I feel fabulous, I put on my sasha fierce alter ego and honestly it's the best feeling in the world. Sometimes I think, hey why I don't I make this much effort all the time? I feel so much better when I put time into my appearance. That's the first thing. But it doesn't help the anxious butterflies I get in my tummy, or the sadness I feel I can't escape from. 

That's when I find a focus. My focus is my business, Photography & all things social media. I take some selfies for my blogging instagram, I think of new video ideas, I listen to inspiring music and I lose myself in Photoshop! My business is my hobby as well as my income. If you work a 9-5, find a hobby! I can not stress this enough, finding something which takes you away from the world and your everyday troubles is the best therapy. Do something positive which helps you or other people? Volunteer? Go for more walks? Take up photography by using your phone? Find something which opens your mind and gives you purpose.

As long as you feel you have a purpose, nothing or nobody can destroy you. Nobody can leave you feeling helpless. Find your own source of happiness, do not rely on other people to fulfil your life because this leaves you vulnerable (I still struggle with this!)

When you're at your lowest and you feel lost or depressed, you only have yourself. You have to pick yourself up and give your life meaning.

I always feel inspired to write these 'life talk' posts when I feel down or upset because it's like giving myself a pep talk! It reminds me that i'm not as weak as I feel. I have a purpose and the means to make myself happy and so do you.

Read this if you think Valentines Day is a con

I can not stand it when people turn their nose up at valentines day. What is there to hate about the day? No one is forcing you to book an over priced meal or buy elaborate gifts. The day is not about spending out on material things, it's about romance. The world is full of so much evil and darkness, why ignore a day which promotes spreading love?

'Romance: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.' - Dictionary

I am such a romantic. Even when I was single and had pretty much accepted that I would live out the rest of my days as a spinster, I still thought the idea of valentines day was lovely. I loved seeing old fashioned romance advertised and promoted across the world. I loved that people put the extra effort in to make their partner feel special and appreciated. I know they say every day should feel like valentines day in a relationship, but unfortunately it's unrealistic to be romantic 24/7. Life gets in the way! There are a list of priorities that come before a candle lit dinner. So valentines day acts as a designated day where you as a couple both put the effort in to being loving, generous and thoughtful. It's a day where you both click pause on the world and focus on each other.

I do think women care about romance more than men. It comes from a part of us that remains innocent and vulnerable. We want to experience the love our childhood princess's felt in the videos we used to watch. We want to feel special, loved and appreciated. There is something so heart warming about seeing a man doing something incredibly thoughtful for the woman he loves. It shows a vulnerability. He wants to please the woman he loves, and he has taken the time and effort to think of a way that would touch her heart, and that to me, means the world.

'Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of every day life in to a golden haze'

A romantic gesture does not have to be extravagant or expensive. Pick your girlfriend up her favourite sweets to put a smile on her face? Or some pretty flowers (or even a plant!)? Make her something if you are an artist or DIY savvy? Make her dinner and pamper her for an evening? It's not about the 100 red roses or a designer bag, I mean that's lovely if you can afford it but it's the little things that count. Often it's more about the heart felt words hand written in a card or the touching photo collage of your relationship so far that mean everything to a partner. But with all that said, why shouldn't girls do something for their boyfriend too? A lot of boyfriends look after their girlfriends every day. They buy the dinners, they treat them to the cinema. Perhaps it's the girlfriends time to show their appreciation? Valentines is about showing that you both love and appreciate one another.
So follow your hearts and enjoy a day full of love and happiness  xxx

'Your love is most generous, where it is most hurtful'

Can you be friends with your ex without it affecting a new relationship? Honestly I don't think you can. Because what you had with that person will echo in your current relationship. Memories you shared will linger around you like a ghost. Innocent relationships you maintain will cast a shadow over the new ones you should be building. Your new partner is supposed to feel special, like the only person you will ever love. But how can they ever feel special when they are reminded that you have already experienced that love with somebody else? If you are truly ready to commit to a new relationship, then you need to sacrifice old romances. It's nice if you can be friends with your ex, but that's what they are, an ex. History.  A historical present doesn't exist, it's an oxymoron. The two words contradict each other.

'I loved her, I can't just forget that. Of course I will always be there for her.' 

Some may argue that there isn't any romance left in the old relationship, that they truly are just a friend. But as a girl (yes we are dramatic, Que Cian and Emily), I can't help but think you've been intimate with this person, you've loved this person, there was a time when you thought you may be together forever. You had experiences with this person that will stay with you both forever. You can't just forget that you loved someone. And now they're your friend? somebody you will always be there for? There has to be a certain amount of love left to still feel that endeared. Who comes first if your ex suddenly needs you? who's feelings do you sacrifice? It's a cruel kindness you're inflicting. Yes you're being a nice person because you're not holding on to any grudges, you still support this person, you're being kind. But you're also being cruel to your new love by reminding them that they're not special and that your loyalty is scattered. You've already experienced a love that you thought would be unbreakable, and that past love is still in your life.

'Your love is most generous where it is most hurtful'

If you truly are ready to commit to a new relationship, if you love them, then you owe them a clean slate. A world where your love is unique and irreplaceable. Not a love second to the one you had before. Your ex shouldn't be plastered all over your phone, it's OK to let them sit on your social media, but as an inactive contact. Don't message each other or like each others photos. Delete their number without your new partner having to ask. In the words of Elsa, LET IT GO. Why do you need to hang on to an old relationship, especially if it hurts your new partner? If you don't share children, there really is no excuse. If you find it hard to let go then you need to step back and figure out how you truly feel. Maybe there is unfinished business, and if so, do not lead somebody else on.

Maybe I am too loyal and empathetic or black and white and closed minded but I can't see a new love thriving when an old love is still casting a shadow.

Let me know what you think? Give me a new insight in the comments below :)

'Forgiving you is a gift to you, moving on is my gift to myself'

I've been going through such a change lately. There's nothing physically or materially different but I feel like i'm going through a spiritual cleanse. I don't know if it's a quarter life crisis or if it's a healthy progression, preparing me for my next lesson or journey.

The word change fills me with fear. Change is different, change is the unknown. I have always struggled to venture outside of my comfort zone because I've never wanted to sacrifice what I already have. But life is made up of changes, good and bad and sometimes you have no say in the matter.

I recently witnessed a betrayal which had an eye opening ripple effect. Their disloyalty was carefully shrouded in denial and secrecy in attempts to cure their guilty conscience . They span a false tale of innocence, disregarding their actions and their victim's feelings entirely. They began to believe their own lie, and so did the people around them. The victim was understandably left feeling deceived and lost. First came grief, then came anger but then arrived liberty. Like a phoenix who dies before they are reborn, the victim reinvented themselves from the ashes of  destruction. They started to remember their dreams and ambitions and truly began to feel at one with themselves.

They reminded me that sometimes a change is needed in order to complete your own life path. Sometimes, without even realising it, you outgrow people and situations which end up holding you back. If you grow too comfortable doing the wrong thing, something will happen to force a change. 

Everything happens for a reason, it's hard, but in order to move on from a tough situation, you need to focus on the positive.

Recently I've cut people out of my life, people i thought would be around forever, but not because I didn't want them there, it was because I realised that we just wasn't on the same level anymore. Things were different, we had different morals and views .
'Treat other how you wish to be treated yourself' is a healthy baseline for a friendship or relationship. But recently I was hurt by people I thought I could trust, it was a nastiness that brought me right back to the school playground, a young mentality I've desperately tried to move on from. I felt upset, angry and anxious of what will become of us or how I could overcome the situation until I realised that it didn't have to be this way, I didn't have to make excuses for them or fix anything, I didn't have to feel like I was 16 again desperate to keep my friends. So I closed that book and decided to let those people continue with their self destructive behaviour because I do believe that what goes around comes around.

Breaking up from any relationship is hard, but we all have to make a healthy decision. If this person causes you grief, or makes you feel bad in any way, then you need to assess if this person is a positive energy or negative energy in your life. Don't let people manipulate you! Quite often when somebody hurts you, but doesn't want to admit to it, they become defensive and will turn it around to make you feel like you're the one in the wrong which causes you to question yourself, let them back in and begin a destructive cycle. We can't live positive lives surrounded by negativity.
Hold on to your family and friends who have always shown you love and loyalty, but don't make excuses for those who have hurt you or the people around you.

xx

Staying Positive

Spring is my favourite time of the year. With the sun making more of an appearance,  it's the season which represents rejuvenation and positivity. Soon blossom and bluebells will decorate the U.K, creating a temporary fairy world full of beauty and innocence. It's the season I most appreciate with the mix of a cool breeze and warm sunshine, nature is neither stunted by the icey winds or parched by harsh rays of sun. There is a certain feeling of balance and harmony. 

Spring is a time to be happy, but staying positive is a hard thing to do, especially when it's so easy to be weighed down by peer pressure and social expectations. I've found it particularly hard to find a balance because I've always cared too much about what other people thought of me. I lived to please other people rather than being satisfied with making myself happy. I even doubted my own happiness if somebody questioned it. One negative remark could wipe away a dozen positive ones.

Sometimes you just need to take a step back, spend time alone, and ask yourself, what makes you happy?

I'm currently reading 'The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for living' by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler. In it the Dalai Lama states 'The purpose of life is to be happy' something so simple and obvious but easily overlooked. If you don't like your current situation, then change it! You need to stay true to yourself and find happiness. For me, that meant detaching myself from people who made me feel bad about myself and who stunted my growth, even if  that meant i'd be alone. 

I hate the negative association with being alone, I am and always have been an introvert, being alone isn't always a bad thing for me. Of course, everybody needs friends and luckily I have met some amazing people over the past few years who have shown me what true friendship feels like. But in them moments of darkness, when i'm by myself and close to letting peer pressure consume me, I think clearer than ever. I turn a negative into a positive by establishing what makes me happy, what my long term goals are and what actions to take to get there without any obstacles clouding my vision. Meditation is an amazing way to get into that frame of mind. It provides clarity and emotional guidance by tapping into a peaceful sub-conscious depth. By doing this we then start to discover our intuition. 

Intuition is everything in life, it guides us when making decisions and warns us if a bad situation is around the corner. Meditation will not only clear your mind, but it will help  you trust and develop your intuition.

'Intuition is similar to emotion in that it is something that guides us towards knowledge without conscious reasoning, but unlike emotion, it does not involve us entering another psychological state. It is, then, ‘purer’ than emotion, involving just an immediate awareness of something, often without realising why we have that awareness.' -http://www.theoryofknowledge.net/

There are tons and tons of guided meditations on Youtube, so if you fancy giving it a go, just search for a guided meditation. There are ones tailored to anxiety, depression or just simple relaxation!

So with a shift in season and mental attitudes, now is the time to discover your euphoria.

Problems need to be addressed and then shed, because ultimately you are in control of your own happiness. Just remember to remain kind and thoughtful throughout the process!

I know meditation and spiritual/psychological subjects are not to everyone's tastes but if you live your life with an open mind and empathy, you will find more satisfaction and happiness in the simplest of things.

- Robyn <3